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What The Night Police Ain't

Updated: Mar 6, 2020

Picture of Mr. Rogers in green sweater with a toy streetcar

Night Policemen aren't a rare breed, most police departments and state and federal agencies have them.

They are most assuredly not politcally correct. Oh they may be just PC enough to keep from stepping on their collective dicks while on the job. They are genetically coded to call "bullshit" on most things PC.

They aren't afraid to step into the fray. For the most part, they look for opportunities to take it to the miscreant of the moment. Night Policemen, never turn the other cheek or run from battle. A pervasive sentiment is "Bring it on!"

The Night Police aren't really all that keen on:

  1. Defense attorneys,

  2. Day shift,

  3. Judges who have no balls,

  4. Police cruisers that aren't black and white,

  5. Their daughter's bringing home a man-bun man,

  6. Writing tickets,

  7. A hypodermic full of gammaglobuline in the ass,

  8. Any drink that is blended, whipped or pink,

  9. Instant replay,

  10. Men who beat their wives or any significant other,

  11. Wearing a tie,

  12. Internal affairs investigations, especially if they're the target,

  13. When professional courtesy is found lacking in other agencies,

  14. Smacking some douchebag with your nightstick and having it bounce back and whap you in the forehead,

  15. Divorce lawyers,

  16. The very dishonest press,

  17. The blinding of sunrise,

  18. An empty thermos,

  19. Needles hidden in the upholstery,

  20. Listening to the citizenry proclaim firemen wonderful and handsome,

  21. Locking your keys in your patrol car…especially with a prisoner in the back,

  22. Non-specific urethritis,

  23. The liberal courts,

  24. Splashing yourself with liquid Jesus,

  25. Any police agency senior brass,

  26. Kids who are victims... of anything,

  27. Writing CYA reports,

  28. Being called into the Commander's office,

  29. Nurses who find night policemen invisible,

  30. Cops who'll "make a stop" to avoid taking their call on their beat,

  31. Petty bullshit,

  32. Oversight, almost all of it,

  33. Dispatchers with attitudes (see: Lucretia Shitmouth),

  34. Rabbit in the pot crazy beat wives,

  35. Missing a ball game 'cuz you have to go to court,

  36. Second guessing and Monday morning quarterbacking,

  37. Leaving your piece in the gun locker down at county jail,

  38. Your trooper buddies finding out you left your piece in the gun locker down at county jail,

  39. Stupid-fucking policies,

  40. Being assigned a dickhead partner,

  41. Cultural diversity training,

  42. CYA bosses,

  43. When a fart is actually shitting your pants,

  44. Banjo picker family fights,

  45. Getting assigned to be "desk officer",

  46. Giving half your retirement to the practice wife,

  47. Being the rookie in the room,

  48. Getting the hard eye from some dipshit hoodrat,

  49. Mandatory overtime,

  50. The 3AM, culinary stylings at Denny's,

  51. Hearing "I'll have your badge!" for 3rd time of the week,

  52. Ride-a-longs,

  53. Time on the beach assigned to the rubber gun squad,

  54. Being shot or stabbed... anywhere.


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