One man's mild irritation is another man's tumescent exulceration.
Here at The Night Police we enjoy making lists. We have lists for everything: Grocery lists, camping lists, writer’s soiree lists, production lists, publishing lists. Well you get the drift.
Recently co-author Berg endured one of my outbursts about something that made my dick itch…probably something to do with a computer function…and he suggested that I codify those things, large and small, major and minor, that make my dick itch. By the way, I know what he’s doing here, stop ranting and do more writing!
In the interest of brevity I will try to keep this as apolitical as I can, but I assure you that this will be a living document. In time we may have a place where guests can post their own peeves. Pet or otherwise.
1. Young men wearing baseball hats with the bill turned backwards, or off to the side. If you are not a baseball catcher, or a police sniper, or looking through the periscope of a nuclear submarine, turn that lid around and square yourself away.
2. People waiting on me in a restaurant that tell me “No Problem” when I ask for something. I really didn’t anticipate any freakin’ problems when I asked for some freakin’ Tabasco sauce.
3. Slicing my fingers open on the ballistic hard plastic that Costco packages everything in.
4. Sales people offering me warranty programs at the cash register for everything down to nail clippers. How about building/selling a quality product that’s not going to break, but if it does fix it for free!
5. Reading the newspaper and seeing that some mope, who was on probation, just got “more” probation for his/her latest offense. The stupid SOB didn’t learn from the first probation. Lock them up on the second go round. Jails are too crowded? Build some more and hire some more jailers. Its good for the economy.
6. Reading the newspaper.
7. Children on airplanes. You shouldn’t be allowed on an airplane until you are draft age, and frankly your first flight experience shouldn’t happen until you are shipping out for overseas duty. You can take the bus to basic training like everyone else. After that you’re welcome to share an airplane with me.
8. Adult people with hurt feelings. I know this is going to offend a lot of people, but no one over the age of 12 should have hurt feelings. Life is tough. Harden the fuck up.
9. Anyone or anything that tries to turn institutions that I love into platforms for social experimentation. I cite here the U.S. military and the NFL. With regard to the military, it’s not for everyone. Its job is lethality, not sex change medical provider. As to the NFL, I love football and I’m one of those sentimental old fools who like to see a game start with the Star Spangled Banner, military color guards and flyovers. Not showing the National Anthem prior to a game offends me more than seeing a handful of clowns disrespect the flag and the men and women who gave their lives for a fine country like ours.
10. Fighting wars in places where you can’t have a beer at the end of a long day in the foxhole. For over 200 years America’s fighting men have been able to get drunker than Hogan’s goat and blow off some steam when they rotated in off the line. I think the President or Secretary of State should inform host nations that American soldiers, marines, airmen, sailors, and coasties will be consuming American made alcohol while saving said assbackward host nation from one or more of it’s hostile assbackward neighbors.
I’m running out of character space, not sources of irritation. I’ll be back with more...
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